Matagal tagal na rin pala nang huli akong nakapag post dito. Akala ko nga ay di na ulit.
Lately, I have been experiencing some problems regarding my relationship. Di ko alam kung paano pero parang may nagbago. Alam niyo yung pakiramdam na parang may mali pero di mo alam kung saan?
Kaya nagdecide ako na magfocus na lang muna sa relationship ko kaya di ako masyado nakaka online. I gave time and effort to save the relationship. Fix this as soon as possible. Sayang naman ang a year of being together namin kasi medyo matagal na rin yun.
Akala ko nung una, ako ang may fault. Marahil kasi, di ko na rin siya nabibigyan ng halaga kasi lagi ako busy sa work. Pero napansin ko, malala na pala ang problema namin. Parang mas lalo kami nag away at ang nagiging mali lagi ay ako. Di siya nakikinig sa akin at lagi niya ako iniisipan ng masama tulad ng pagkakaroon ko 'raw' ng 3rd party.
Pero honestly walang third party. Siya lang talaga at wala ng iba pa. Kung saan man niya hinugot at mga ideyang yon ay sa kanya na lang siguro nanggaling.
Minsan nga, nasa work ako ay tumatawag siya sa cellphone ko pero di ko pede sagutin ang phone ko dahil ako ang mapapagalitan. Alam naman niya un, at lalong alam niya ang aking schedule.
Nang buksan ko ang aking cellphone after ng shift ko, ang dami na niya sinasabi. Baka daw may kasama ako kaya di ko sinasagot kaya pinaliwanag ko naman sa kanya ang totoo kaso parang may fixed na siyang scenario na naisip kung bakit di ko nasagot ang phone ko.
Nakakapagod na rin pala. Bakit nga ba nahihirapan na ako? Paliwanag ako ng paliwanag pero bakit di sia nakikinig?
Nitong huli, naisip ko, pano kung gawin ko nga ang binibintang niya sa akin. Ang maghanap ng iba, ung iintindi sa kin. Nalilito na rin kasi ako, parang ako na lang ang gumagawa ng paraan para maayos to. Baka may makatulong..
Binuhay ko muli ang aking isang account na dati ko nang kinalimutan. Hindi niya alam ang tungkol sa account na ito kasi di ko na rin masyado ito inoopen at dati pa to, bago pa naging kami.
Mga ilang minuto pa lang ako online ay may mga nagmessage na rin. May mga ilan na pumukaw ng interes ko pero nakokonsiyensiya ako. Buti na lang at hindi nakapost ang face pic ko dun.
Nang pa out na rin ako, may isang nagmessage sa kin na wala rin face pic pero familiar ang body pic. Siya un, alam ko dahil ako pa ang kumuha ng pic nia na un. Nakikipagkilala sia sa akin. Nagtatanong kung maaari bang makipagkita or makipagkilala.
Nakakagulat at napakasakit.. Bakit? Kelan pa? Sia nga ba ito?
Andaming pumapasok sa isip ko. Di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Sinubukan ko sia. Nakipagpalitan ako ng face pic pero ginamit ko ang pic ng iba na nakita ko lang sa facebook. Half praying ako na sana ay hindi sia un. Na gnagamit lang ang body pic nia.
Sa sumunod niang mensahe, nakalagay na ang face pic nia. Matikas ang porma at maangas ang mga mata. Hinding hindi maikakaila, siya nga ang kachat ko.
Dali dali kong isinara ang aking account. Di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Baka kasalanan ko.. Baka ako ang may mali kaya naghanap sia ng iba? Baka di ito totoo. Baka ganito. Baka ganyan..
Di ko alam, naguguluhan ako.. Tama bang tapusin ko na rin ito? Masakit na, pero kaya ko na ba? Ayoko ng ganitong pakiramdam.. DI ko na alam ang gagawin ko..
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The Ex Scenario
In this life, we experience a lot of things. And it will never be amiss to say that we had experienced loving so much at one point. And there comes the time that we had also experienced getting hurt so much as well. But The tricky part is, oftentimes, the person whom you have loved the most is the same person who has hurt you so much. It is ironic, yet true.
You had struggled so much to get over him for months or even years. And there in front of you, just a few steps away and standing discreetly, is that guy. He still has the same eyes, same smile and same gestures. What will you do?
Try to walk past him and pretend you weren't able to notice him? Good idea. But then, when you were passing by, he saw you and called your attention. Now, you are in front of him and what will you do?
The first question would initially be, "Musta ka na?". You would instantly and instinctively say that you are "okay." Then the conversation will probe further. Would you excuse yourself so that you can avoid that conversation or not?
You know that after him, you had never had a successful relationship that lasted longer. You know that you might have forgotten about him already yet as you see him again, as if it struck a nerve in you. As if something needs to be done.
According to a psychologist, this is where our fight or flight emotional response takes place. It determines how strong you are. If you fight, there will be casualties if you lose. If you flee, you can avoid the confrontation. Take the risk or Leave the risk behind?
Most fighters, they do this thing. They try to impress their ex's as to tell them that they had been good since their last breakup. Sometimes, they need to tell lies and brandish ideas of their current relationship. The ending, they could win this fight by using a gun with an empty ammunition.
But the backfire could also come, when your ex starts to tell you about his relationship. He says that he is also in a current relationship and is very happy and contented. You can see the truth in every word he says. As much as you would like to, how you wish that he was just doing the same thing that you are doing. Pointing a gun without an ammunition. You wish that he was also just telling you lies and that he had never been happy after your relationship.
But then there is the other one, when we choose flight. When you choose to flee, you avoided confrontation. You avoided the casualties yet you also miss the opportunity to ask him how he is. You miss the opportunity to say the things that you could say. There are many what ifs and it will be left unanswered. That agony is most often, unbearable.
What do you think is the best thing to be done? Be the fighter but leave some space wherein you can flee whenever you need to. Honesty is the best offense at this time yet hold on to your emotions, this would be your Achilles' heel. Tell him the truth about your status but keep yourself shielded. Always show a fighting face. You should never back down in your conversation, just be honest.
Who knows, it could end in an even favorable scenario if you found out that there are still chances for the both of you. However, do not keep your hopes up. Remember, keep yourself guarded. Sometimes, our ex's are the greatest ghosts that we need to face to move on.
:D Go!
*******************************
Picture this out. You are in a mall or some place where there are lots of people. On that day, you decided to just stroll out alone. As you pass by people around you, a familiar person's face struck your sight. He is your EX and you loved him so much before but those were parts of your past already. You had each other for months or years. Yet, your relationship didn't end well and there was no closure.You had struggled so much to get over him for months or even years. And there in front of you, just a few steps away and standing discreetly, is that guy. He still has the same eyes, same smile and same gestures. What will you do?
Try to walk past him and pretend you weren't able to notice him? Good idea. But then, when you were passing by, he saw you and called your attention. Now, you are in front of him and what will you do?
The first question would initially be, "Musta ka na?". You would instantly and instinctively say that you are "okay." Then the conversation will probe further. Would you excuse yourself so that you can avoid that conversation or not?
You know that after him, you had never had a successful relationship that lasted longer. You know that you might have forgotten about him already yet as you see him again, as if it struck a nerve in you. As if something needs to be done.
According to a psychologist, this is where our fight or flight emotional response takes place. It determines how strong you are. If you fight, there will be casualties if you lose. If you flee, you can avoid the confrontation. Take the risk or Leave the risk behind?
Most fighters, they do this thing. They try to impress their ex's as to tell them that they had been good since their last breakup. Sometimes, they need to tell lies and brandish ideas of their current relationship. The ending, they could win this fight by using a gun with an empty ammunition.
But the backfire could also come, when your ex starts to tell you about his relationship. He says that he is also in a current relationship and is very happy and contented. You can see the truth in every word he says. As much as you would like to, how you wish that he was just doing the same thing that you are doing. Pointing a gun without an ammunition. You wish that he was also just telling you lies and that he had never been happy after your relationship.
But then there is the other one, when we choose flight. When you choose to flee, you avoided confrontation. You avoided the casualties yet you also miss the opportunity to ask him how he is. You miss the opportunity to say the things that you could say. There are many what ifs and it will be left unanswered. That agony is most often, unbearable.
What do you think is the best thing to be done? Be the fighter but leave some space wherein you can flee whenever you need to. Honesty is the best offense at this time yet hold on to your emotions, this would be your Achilles' heel. Tell him the truth about your status but keep yourself shielded. Always show a fighting face. You should never back down in your conversation, just be honest.
Who knows, it could end in an even favorable scenario if you found out that there are still chances for the both of you. However, do not keep your hopes up. Remember, keep yourself guarded. Sometimes, our ex's are the greatest ghosts that we need to face to move on.
:D Go!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Panaghoy
Minsan daw sa buhay ng tao ay dumarating ang pagkakataon na down na down ka. AT sa pagkakataon na yun ay saka ka makakaramdam ng panghihina. Pano mo naman malalampasan yun kung mag isa ka lang di ba? AT lalo na paano ka naman makakahingi ng tulong sa mga tao na hindi naman nakakaunawa sa iyo?
Ganyan ako madalas. Palibhasa ay tago ang aking tunay na pagkatao, madalas naka isantabi ang aking mga nararamdaman. Mahigpit sa aming pamilya, si kuya ko na nagkataon na isang bakla rin katulad ko ay sari saring panlalait ang dinanas sa sarili mismo naming pamilya. Parang ginusto ba namin ito?
Paano kaya ako? Sasapitin ko rin ang ganoong pagkakataon, alam ko. Mararanasan ko rin ang matawag ng masasakit na salita, ang mabugbog ng magulang at kamuhian ng ibang tao. Sila na hindi makaunawa sapagkat ang tingin nila sa atin ay iba.
Pero hanggang ganito na lang ba ako? Nagtatago? Mag-isa? Paano kung sabihin ko na ang totoo, ano kaya ang kahihinatnan ko. Gusto kong maging malaya. Gusto kong maging ako..dati pa man.
Madalas, nakakakita ako ng mga lalaking masaya sa piling ng partner nila. Open sila sa public at di sila natatakot. I wish I have the same guts.
*****TOK TOK TOK*****
Isang katok sa pinto ang nagpatigil sa aking pag mumuni muni. Doon ko napansin na medyo basa ang mata ko dahil sa pag iyak. Nagpunas ako ng mata at binuksan ang pinto ng aking kwarto. Nakatayo si Nanay sa labas ng pinto.
"Kakain na. Bumaba ka na." sabi niya habang nakatitig sa aking mga mata.
"Opo nay." Sabi ko, na pilit iniiwas ang mata sa kaniyang titig sa akin.
"May problema ba anak?"
Napatingin lang ako sa kanya. Parang gusto ko nang sabihin ang totoo. Pumikit na lang ako at sumagot ng, "Wala po."
Saglit na katahimikan ang bumalot sa aming dalawa. At sa di ko inaasahan na pagkakataon, bigla niya akong niyakap. Napaiyak ako muli ako pero sinubukan ko itong pigilan. Niyakap ko rin siya ng mahigpit.
"Mahal kita anak. Andito lang ako, magsabi ka lang." ang sabi na lang niya.
Pagkatapos ng yapos ay tahimik niya akong pinagmasdan ulit. Parang alam na niya ang lahat pero hindi ko pa masabi sa kanya. 'Wag muna.. Wag muna..
Ganyan ako madalas. Palibhasa ay tago ang aking tunay na pagkatao, madalas naka isantabi ang aking mga nararamdaman. Mahigpit sa aming pamilya, si kuya ko na nagkataon na isang bakla rin katulad ko ay sari saring panlalait ang dinanas sa sarili mismo naming pamilya. Parang ginusto ba namin ito?
Paano kaya ako? Sasapitin ko rin ang ganoong pagkakataon, alam ko. Mararanasan ko rin ang matawag ng masasakit na salita, ang mabugbog ng magulang at kamuhian ng ibang tao. Sila na hindi makaunawa sapagkat ang tingin nila sa atin ay iba.
Pero hanggang ganito na lang ba ako? Nagtatago? Mag-isa? Paano kung sabihin ko na ang totoo, ano kaya ang kahihinatnan ko. Gusto kong maging malaya. Gusto kong maging ako..dati pa man.
Madalas, nakakakita ako ng mga lalaking masaya sa piling ng partner nila. Open sila sa public at di sila natatakot. I wish I have the same guts.
*****TOK TOK TOK*****
Isang katok sa pinto ang nagpatigil sa aking pag mumuni muni. Doon ko napansin na medyo basa ang mata ko dahil sa pag iyak. Nagpunas ako ng mata at binuksan ang pinto ng aking kwarto. Nakatayo si Nanay sa labas ng pinto.
"Kakain na. Bumaba ka na." sabi niya habang nakatitig sa aking mga mata.
"Opo nay." Sabi ko, na pilit iniiwas ang mata sa kaniyang titig sa akin.
"May problema ba anak?"
Napatingin lang ako sa kanya. Parang gusto ko nang sabihin ang totoo. Pumikit na lang ako at sumagot ng, "Wala po."
Saglit na katahimikan ang bumalot sa aming dalawa. At sa di ko inaasahan na pagkakataon, bigla niya akong niyakap. Napaiyak ako muli ako pero sinubukan ko itong pigilan. Niyakap ko rin siya ng mahigpit.
"Mahal kita anak. Andito lang ako, magsabi ka lang." ang sabi na lang niya.
Pagkatapos ng yapos ay tahimik niya akong pinagmasdan ulit. Parang alam na niya ang lahat pero hindi ko pa masabi sa kanya. 'Wag muna.. Wag muna..
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