The Ex Scenario

In this life, we experience a lot of things. And it will never be amiss to say that we had experienced loving so much at one point. And there comes the time that we had also experienced getting hurt so much as well. But The tricky part is, oftentimes, the person whom you have loved the most is the same person who has hurt you so much. It is ironic, yet true.

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Picture this out. You are in a mall or some place where there are lots of people. On that day, you decided to just stroll out alone. As you pass by people around you, a familiar person's face struck your sight. He is your EX and you loved him so much before but those were parts of your past already. You had each other for months or years. Yet, your relationship didn't end well and there was no closure.

You had struggled so much to get over him for months or even years. And there in front of you, just a few steps away and standing discreetly, is that guy. He still has the same eyes, same smile and same gestures. What will you do?

Try to walk past him and pretend you weren't able to notice him? Good idea. But then, when you were passing by, he saw you and called your attention. Now, you are in front of him and what will you do?

The first question would initially be, "Musta ka na?". You would instantly and instinctively say that you are "okay." Then the conversation will probe further. Would you excuse yourself so that you can avoid that conversation or not?

You know that after him, you had never had a successful relationship that lasted longer. You know that you might have forgotten about him already yet as you see him again, as if it struck a nerve in you. As if something needs to be done.

According to a psychologist, this is where our fight or flight emotional response takes place. It determines how strong you are. If you fight, there will be casualties if you lose. If you flee, you can avoid the confrontation. Take the risk or Leave the risk behind?

Most fighters, they do this thing. They try to impress their ex's as to tell them that they had been good since their last breakup. Sometimes, they need to tell lies and brandish ideas of their current relationship. The ending, they could win this fight by using a gun with an empty ammunition.

But the backfire could also come, when your ex starts to tell you about his relationship. He says that he is also in a current relationship and is very happy and contented. You can see the truth in every word he says. As much as you would like to, how you wish that he was just doing the same thing that you are doing. Pointing a gun without an ammunition. You wish that he was also just telling you lies and that he had never been happy after your relationship.


But then there is the other one, when we choose flight. When you choose to flee, you avoided confrontation. You avoided the casualties yet you also miss the opportunity to ask him how he is. You miss the opportunity to say the things that you could say. There are many what ifs and it will be left unanswered. That agony is most often, unbearable.




What do you think is the best thing to be done? Be the fighter but leave some space wherein you can flee whenever you need to. Honesty is the best offense at this time yet hold on to your emotions, this would be your Achilles' heel. Tell him the truth about your status but keep yourself shielded. Always show a fighting face. You should never back down in your conversation, just be honest.

Who knows, it could end in an even favorable scenario if you found out that there are still chances for the both of you. However, do not keep your hopes up. Remember, keep yourself guarded. Sometimes, our ex's are the greatest ghosts that we need to face to move on.

:D Go!

Panaghoy

Minsan daw sa buhay ng tao ay dumarating ang pagkakataon na down na down ka. AT sa pagkakataon na yun ay saka ka makakaramdam ng panghihina. Pano mo naman malalampasan yun kung mag isa ka lang di ba? AT lalo na paano ka naman makakahingi ng tulong sa mga tao na hindi naman nakakaunawa sa iyo?

Ganyan ako madalas. Palibhasa ay tago ang aking tunay na pagkatao, madalas naka isantabi ang aking mga nararamdaman. Mahigpit sa aming pamilya, si kuya ko na nagkataon na isang bakla rin katulad ko ay sari saring panlalait ang dinanas sa sarili mismo naming pamilya. Parang ginusto ba namin ito?

Paano kaya ako? Sasapitin ko rin ang ganoong pagkakataon, alam ko. Mararanasan ko rin ang matawag ng masasakit na salita, ang mabugbog ng magulang at kamuhian ng ibang tao. Sila na hindi makaunawa sapagkat ang tingin nila sa atin ay iba.

Pero hanggang ganito na lang ba ako? Nagtatago? Mag-isa? Paano kung sabihin ko na ang totoo, ano kaya ang kahihinatnan ko. Gusto kong maging malaya. Gusto kong maging ako..dati pa man.

Madalas, nakakakita ako ng mga lalaking masaya sa piling ng partner nila. Open sila sa public at di sila natatakot. I wish I have the same guts.



*****TOK TOK TOK*****

Isang katok sa pinto ang nagpatigil sa aking pag mumuni muni. Doon ko napansin na medyo basa ang mata ko dahil sa pag iyak. Nagpunas ako ng mata at binuksan ang pinto ng aking kwarto. Nakatayo si Nanay sa labas ng pinto.

"Kakain na. Bumaba ka na." sabi niya habang nakatitig sa aking mga mata.

"Opo nay." Sabi ko, na pilit iniiwas ang mata sa kaniyang titig sa akin.

"May problema ba anak?"

Napatingin lang ako sa kanya. Parang gusto ko nang sabihin ang totoo. Pumikit na lang ako at sumagot ng, "Wala po."

Saglit na katahimikan ang bumalot sa aming dalawa. At sa di ko inaasahan na pagkakataon, bigla niya akong niyakap. Napaiyak ako muli ako pero sinubukan ko itong pigilan. Niyakap ko rin siya ng mahigpit.

"Mahal kita anak. Andito lang ako, magsabi ka lang." ang sabi na lang niya.

Pagkatapos ng yapos ay tahimik niya akong pinagmasdan ulit. Parang alam na niya ang lahat pero hindi ko pa masabi sa kanya. 'Wag muna.. Wag muna..

Irony

I moved my arm around him, as if to give him an embrace. Carlo had been crying ever since he arrived here. There were moments of silence and faint cries in between and I know that he is deeply wounded.

As my hand touches his body, he turned around and looked at me. "I love you Paul, you know that." As I gazed at his teary eyes, my heart started to melt.

Me: "I love you too. Very much."

Him: "Then why? Why did you have to torture me like this? You said that you won't hurt me."

Me: "I wasn't torturing you. And I won't hurt you."

Him: "You are. It is so painful."

Me: "Stop it already. You're drunk already. You should rest." I placed my arms again around him, cuddling him close to my body. He needed this and same goes with me, I needed this.

Him: "Do you still remember the night that I confessed to you. I was with my best friend James back then. He was against the idea of meeting you but what the hell, I still pursued it."

Me: "Uhh.. about that.."

Him: "And then, I held your hand back then and you held mine. You said you love me as well and since then we were together. I chose to be with you even though James is really against you. There's nothing he can do, right?"

Me: "So he just left after that, right. You didn't even noticed."

HIm: "Who the hell cares right? What matters is we both love each other right? You love me right?"

Me: "Of course, I love you. More than you ever know." Tears started to make its trail down my cheeks already. Seeing him this fragile breaks me. I don't want him to be this down and blue.

Him: "Please don't leave me Paul. I know I made mistakes, I lack control at times, I am not perfect but I am always trying my best to fix myself. Please don't leave me. Please tell me that what you said earlier about leaving me was just a lie. I don't know how to live without you."

Me: "Carlo.. stop this already. You're already too drunk. You don't know what you are saying"

Him: "Just tell me you love me.. please.."

I was hesitating if I should tell him those words but his pain is unbearable.
Me: "I love you. It has been so long. You just don't realize it."

Him: "Thanks. That's all I need to hear." Then he enclosed his lips with mine and I kissed him back. In a few minutes, he passed out.

I was intently looking at him. I fooled him. I love him truly and dearly but it ain't right. It ain't right to say those words to him knowing that his cries for love were not meant for me.

It is always sad to be me, to be James. I only wish I am Paul. Then truly, I can love you more than he can.. I am sorry, it had to be me to love you this much..

Sulat

Nangingilid ang luha, kinuha ko muli ang papel na nasa aking bulsa. Isang maliit na pirasong papel na nakalaan para sa kin. Medyo lukot lukot na rin ito.



'Sana masaya ka sa naging desisyon mo. Alam mo naman na ang kaligayahan mo ay kaligayahan ko na rin. Marahil may mga pagkukulang ako sa yo at humihingi ako ng tawad..'



Ang sulat ay galing kau Noel, ang aking naging karelasyon ng mahigit 5 taon na. Sa di inaasahang pangyayari, kelangan namin magkahiwalay.



'Pero alam mo naman na mahal na mahal pa rin kita. SInubukan kong makalimot sa yo pero di ko magawa. Matagal tagal rin kasi tayong nagkasama. Sana mahalin ka rin niya tulad ng pagmamahal ko sa yo.'



Naging mapait ang aming pag iibigan. Na fall out of love ako. Inaamin ko, fault ko. Naging marupok ako pero sa totoo lang siya pa rin ang mahal ko. Kung alam lang niya, na a week ago, nag hiwalay na kami nung isa dahil nga mas mahal ko pala siya talaga.



'Ang sakit sakit na talaga. Noong una, pinilit kong languin ang sarili ko sa alak pero di pa rin siya tumalab. Sinubukan kitang kahumian sa nangyari pero, lagi na lang akong umiiyak kasi di ko magawa. Ano bang meron ka at lagi kang andito sa puso ko?'



Alam ko na ang sakit na naidulot ko sa kanya ay di mapapantayan. Pero minahal pa rin pala niya ako. Gusto ko siyang yakapin at sabihin ang totoo sa pagkakataong iyon. Gusto ko sabihin na mahal ko pa siya at humingi ng tawad sa lahat ng kasalanan ko pero.. mahirap na ata mangyari yun ngaun. Di ko na mababalik ang nagawa kong kasalanan.



'Kung kaya pagpasensiyahan mo na rin ang ginawa kong ito. Mahal na mahal pa rin kita.. -Eric'


Sa katapusan ng kanyang liham, umiiyak na rin pala ako. Basa ng luha ang aking mga mata at ang waring puso ko ay nasasaktan. Sana, pinilit ko muna ayusin ang relasyon namin. Sana nag usap muna kami. Sana di ako naging marupok.. Sana...


Pero di na pede. Dala dala ang sulat na nilaan niya sa akin pumatak ang mga luha ko sa isang puting marmol na bato sa aking harapan. At ang nakaukit dito...


Eric Manuel Santos
Born: Februray 27, 1980
Died: August 1, 2010


This post is a work of fiction..

GAYdar

I have this kind of habit whenever I ride a jeepney or in a long journey home, I spend my time figuring out people's identity by how they look like.

Most of the time, I judge their Gayness in my GayDar or Baklameter and lately, I have noticed that we increased in population. I guess double the size?? haha

I was riding this jeep a while ago when I started my deed again. I was in Quiapo and most of us know that it one of the busy places here in Manila. A lot of people to take a look at. A lot to judge,for my satisfaction.

Out of all the people I have seen, I have concluded that for ever 5 persons that I see, I can sense 3 of them by the way they walk or move. Talk about being judgmental I guess.. hehe but you can't blame me I guess, that is the way I see them and that might also be the way other people see them as well.

Seems like, our world has entered a new genre. Most of us are not afraid to ramp around in the area with an obvious "signboard" on their clothes saying Hey look at me. I am gay. They are already open to the world.

But, I am not here to criticize them. People like us before had experienced extreme discrimination in the past and because of that, they tend to hide. Now, since it has already been accepted in our era, who are we to imprison their freedom. They are the products of who we are before.

However, I might be living here in this modern world of openness but seems like my attitude is still affixed to the past. I still don't want people to see me as gay. I still act as a straight guy and I am much comfortable with it. I always try not to alert the PLU's GayDar so as to pose a standing Straight personality and somehow, I am managing to survive.

Someday perhaps, I would join them.. or not.. hehe I can't see myself on that ground. Peace out.